...Tuesday, January 16, 2007... |
Feeling My WayQuick Note: I recently realized a massive pet peeve of mine: when a woman gets engaged, and the inevitable moment(s) come(s) when she is standing in the midst of a group of (generally) women with her hand thrust out for the audience's viewing pleasure. There is always, ALWAYS that one woman - sometimes more - who says, "wow, he must really love you!" Which… the fuck? I mean, what's the alternative to that? "What, you guys aren't doing the ring thing? Must not be in it for the long haul, then!" What's particularly obnoxious is that this phrase is GUARANTEED to be said if the ring in question is sporting a honking stone that could take down the Titanic.But anyway. ********************************************************************** 
Right now I'm trying to find my equilibrium, returning to work full-time and being a mom. (Don't worry, in addition to not becoming a weight-loss blog [more on that later], I'm also not going to turn this into an All About My Adorable Brilliant Kid blog. Although she is. Heh.) There have been so many surprises since Avery was born, and a lot of them have factored into how I'm going about finding my new place in my world, as well as how I'm getting there.I don't know if that's really clear, but I'm hoping it will sort itself out in my head, the more I think about it. One of the biggest parts of the whole thing is that there was never a question of whether I was going to go back to work. Troy and I have financial goals that require both of us to be bringing home a paycheck, plus I've always known that I very likely wasn't wired to be a stay-at-home mom. I was up-front about this to people, all, "kudos to those who are able to stay home, but I just don't think it's really My Thing." 
What I didn't realize is that I would be so fucking terrible at it.Mind you, I'm trying to jump on any "look what a terrible mom I am" bandwagons here - Avery is loved, and knows she's loved, and has nothing but smiles for me and Troy most of the time (unless she's having a teeny crankfest) and I am LOVING being her mom. She's sleeping through the night now, and just gets more interactive and delightful every day. But I got 8 weeks of disability - 12 approved total weeks, and I had enough vacation to take them all - and by the end of the 5th week, despite a maddeningly slow recovery from my c-section, I was climbing the walls. I couldn't WAIT to get back to the office, and Troy was becoming concerned about my mental health. I'm pretty sure I can't even blame post-partum depression; I mean, I've BEEN "depressed", and this wasn't the same feeling. What I was feeling was more of a general hopelessness that I was ever going to be able to be even the teensiest vestige of What I Was Before The Baby. Work out? Hot meal? Check email? HA. So instead, I started smoking again (outside, then I'd totally hose myself down before returning to The Fray) and cursed a lot. And if we're being totally honest here: you know how people always say, "wow, nobody really prepares you for what it's like to be a parent! It sure does change things! But of course I'd never give up my little precious iddy biddy baybeeeeeee!"? Well, for a few weeks there that certainly wasn't how I felt. It's probably what I would have said to Random Joe on the street, but to one of my close friends and to Troy, I admitted that I felt a bit… resentful. And it bothered me that I felt that way, that I actually wondered if we had made the right decision to do this whole Parenting Thing, and that I kind of wondered how much I was really joking when I'd say to Troy, over a steady chorus of baby shrieks, "you know, I bet we could easily get ten grand for her." Happily, both my friend and Troy were right - that while I might have temporarily felt that way, once I got some decent sleep (and Avery hit the 4-month mark) things got decidedly better. At this point, I can get excited about her daily discoveries and wonderment at life. Every day she does something new and funny and is just so proud of herself for it. She wakes up happy and we hear her coos through the monitor as she waits for us, knowing it's just a matter of minutes before one of her two favorite people makes an appearance, changes her diaper, and feeds her breakfast. She is amazing. 
And watching her now, it would be easy for me to feel badly about not being, I felt, 100% in looooooove with her from the very start. But I think, instead, I'm just going to remember that time as Part Of The Whole Picture; a reminder that sometimes, just like in a marriage or any other relationship, things are hard, and I have to put forth extra effort. And I realize I have been in love with her from the very start, and that it's okay - perhaps even absolutely NECESSARY - for me to recognize that it's not going to always be pretty or easy or fun. I mean, of course I heard that, but I don't really think it had registered until those first few months.But sometimes? It will be nothing but fun, which is how things have been lately. It's been interesting, being back at the office "for real". The most common conversation I have about Avery, after "how is she doing?" (Answer: great!), is "you have her in daycare? How do you feeeeel about that?" This is usually accompanied by Big Doe Eyes Of Sympathy, as if I might need to collect myself or grab a kleenex before answering. And the honest answer is: I feel FANTASTIC about it. Are you kidding me? It's the whole reason I have that much MORE respect now for stay-at-home moms! Do you honestly think Avery would learn her colors, or her numbers, or her alphabet, or sing songs all day, or get 8 hours of one-on-one from just me, at home? HELL NO. Because I'm just not wired that way; I'd love to think it would happen, and I know it SHOULD happen, but realistically it's far more likely that we'd hang out and watch too much television. 
But after Troy's and my research (down to interviewing former/graduated members, seriously), you can bet she'll learn all that at daycare, where they will be focused on her every day. AND she'll get to go on several daily walks. And swing outside! And hear both English and Spanish all day! And have a developmental curriculum, where she'll be encouraged to roll over and walk and all that good stuff when she's ready! And her teachers? Can apparently listen to those little kid tapes, you know, the ones with the high-pitched nursery songs and stuff, ALL DAMN DAY.I simply can't do that. But what I CAN do is play with her in the afternoons and evenings, and weekends, and talk to her and love her and cuddle her and brag about her to pretty much anyone who will listen. And then in the mornings, I can gently wake her and feed her and dress her and take her to school, and then drive myself to work, work out, and begin my day at the office, in another facet of my life, one I had before she was born, and one I'm glad to still be able to have. And so far, it's working out well for us. Next Previous Archives |